Michael Kaiser-Nyman, Chicago, Illinois

Editor’s Note: Michael previously wrote about his experiences supporting his girlfriend after their daughter was born. You can read that blog post here.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding was one of my favorite parenting books that I read before the birth of my child. As a soon-to-be-father, I wasn’t really its intended audience, but I found its focus on the relationship between parents and children more compelling and important than most other books that focused on physical or mental milestones, while rarely touching on the love and connection between parents and their children.

But one thing frustrated me: most of the book’s advice seemed to be based on an assumption that the child’s mother would be almost entirely responsible for the child’s care and that the mother’s partner wouldn’t be very involved. I was surprised to find only a handful of references in the book to how a partner could be involved in rearing their child. (Editor’s Note: We are excited for the upcoming publication of a newly-revised version of this valuable La Leche League resource, which includes more information about how partners can support someone in a breastfeeding relationship. This book is now titled The Art of Breastfeeding. You can read more about the new edition here.)

I struggled (and still struggle) with how to be involved with my child, who recently turned two. Here are some things I wish that I had known before my child was born about what my role would be and how I could best support my girlfriend and our baby.

When my baby was born, she needed to spend most of her time with her mother. The only things she’d known until then were the sounds and smells of her mother’s womb. Breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact with her mom, including contact napping and safe bedsharing, kept her feeling safe and secure. I had thought I would spend lots of quality time with my new baby, but it turned out that what my baby needed was her mom.

In turn, what her mom needed was for me to take care of her. Previously, we’d had a very equal division of domestic tasks like cooking and cleaning. I took over everything after our baby was born. I had never imagined how intense it would be to mother a newborn infant; it quickly became clear that I needed to handle everything else so that my girlfriend could meet our baby’s needs. While I didn’t hesitate to make this adjustment, it was still disappointing not to be bonding with my child the way I had expected.

The first way I found to get more involved directly with our baby was holding her when she was asleep. We used the “arm-drop test.” If her arm was limp enough to flop down when we lifted and dropped it, then she was asleep enough that I could pick her up from my girlfriend and hold her myself. At first, these sessions wouldn’t last long. The minute she stirred, she’d start to root around my chest to nurse, and I’d quickly give her back. But after a couple weeks, as she settled into the world outside the womb (and grew a bigger stomach!), she started enjoying time with me, and very slowly, the responsibilities in our household started to shift toward me doing more child care and my girlfriend doing more housework. That said, after more than two years, I’m still probably doing two thirds of the housework, and she’s doing two thirds of the childcare.

The other thing I could do right off the bat was diaper changes. Our baby hated being put down for diaper changes, so I became really fast at them. I did 90% of the changes for the first few months of our baby’s life. On the other end of the digestive tract, I also was able to help with burping. Especially at night, we learned that if she was rooting but not latching it meant she had to burp, and I would get up out of bed and carry her around until the gas came out. It was gratifying to be able to play this small but important part of helping and comforting my baby; plus, then my girlfriend could stay in bed and get more sleep, since she needed much more than I did.

After the first few weeks, our baby started getting fussy and didn’t always stop when given the chance to nurse. I started walking around with her on my arm in the “magic baby hold,” taking her outside, and singing to her to help her calm down. It was amazing to be able to help soothe her. Of course, most of the time that she was fussy she just needed to nurse.

As the months went on, there were more and more ways I could be involved with my daughter. I would give her baths or take her into the shower with me, put her in a carrier and walk around the neighborhood together, and scatter small household objects on our bed and lie with her while she played. If she got upset, most of the time she would immediately want her mom, but slowly she came to find comfort with me, too. After she started talking, I helped her learn to say “happy,” “sad,” and “mad” to describe how she was feeling and to process her intense emotions verbally (in addition to nursing, of course!).

One of the most important roles I play in our family is emotionally supporting my girlfriend. I make sure that we see friends regularly and encourage her to reach out to her friends for support when she’s having a tough time. When she’s stuck in bed, nursing a toddler who hasn’t unlatched over an hour into a nap, I’ll sit with her and we’ll do a crossword or watch a movie together. When it became clear that parenthood was going to be emotionally challenging for far longer than we would have initially guessed, I helped her find a therapist to give her more support (and I continue to get support from my therapist, too). And, of course, I went to La Leche League meetings with her for many months.

I expected to have a baby, fall in love with her, and live happily ever after. The reality of being the far-less-wanted parent has been challenging for me to adjust my expectations and learn what my baby needs from me. After two years, I’m finally starting to regularly get more of the snuggles, hugs, and the simple joy of being together that my baby has always shared with her mom. If my girlfriend and I had known more about what our baby would need from each of us and how those needs would change as she grew, I think early parenthood would have been less disappointing and frustrating for me. I hope more dads and other non-birth-parents will share their experiences, too; the more stories we hear and role models we have, the better parents we’ll be and the more we’ll enjoy it.

Please send your story ideas to Amy at [email protected].

Supporting Breastfeeding Families–Today, Tomorrow, Always

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