By Nicole S.

Editor’s note: This week we are publishing the first part of Nicole’s story about her breastfeeding experience with a premature baby without being prepared for it.

My motherhood journey started with a dream: a picture of me cuddled with my baby while they breastfeed peacefully, our eyes locked into one another. Like many mothers, I had pictured breastfeeding my son. I always felt it would come naturally. When it was actually time to feed my son, it was not like I imagined in my head at all.

People who know me will know how much I typically like to be prepared. I read, research, and prepare for every scenario. When it came to breastfeeding, I didn’t think I needed to do so. I thought it would be simple: put the baby on the breast and it will just happen. I was prepared for everything else in life except one of the most important things: how to feed my son. I had never heard the conversations of mothers or read about breastfeeding. I had never even heard the term “lactation consultants”.

I gave birth to my preterm baby at 34 weeks. I was at home, and suddenly I felt my water break. I went to the hospital with my husband. The doctor admitted me to the labor and delivery unit. I was given some medications that I wasn’t informed about the reasons for or the risks involved. I told the staff that I wanted an unmedicated birth. I had lots of prenatal preparation on breathing and pain management strategies. Hospital staff told me I was not allowed to leave the bed while laboring, and at that point, I was too tired and in pain to argue. I didn’t fully understand my rights.

I was also scared, as they mentioned my blood pressure was borderline high, although both the baby and I were fine. Despite my baby and me both being stable, my doctor mentioned he preferred I take the epidural, as he said it would lower my blood pressure. I felt defeated, so I gave up and asked for the epidural. When it was time to give birth, I was only allowed to give birth on my back. By that time, the epidural effect was fading. I was so rushed through pushing that the doctor assisted the delivery of my son with a vacuum. I wasn’t happy with all this, but I was focusing on the excitement of becoming a mother. I tried to keep a positive mindset and go with the flow. I was only allowed two minutes of skin-to-skin contact with my son before they took him away.

The pediatrician recommended that we admit him to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), because he had a problem with sucking due to being preterm. During that time, my husband stepped in and began making the decisions. No one asked me if I wanted to breastfeed or encouraged me to pump.

After maybe 12 hours, a lactation consultant from the hospital came to my room with a pump in her hands and showed me how to use it. She said I should request a pump every three hours. The importance of frequent pumping in my situation wasn’t explained to me. I had just given birth – earlier than my due date, with my family not in the country, going through the shock of the birthing experience. I was not in a state of mind to understand.

The first 24 hours passed with me just pumping once. I had had zero opportunities to put my baby to the breast. The next morning, a nurse came in and shouted that I should pump more. Later that day, I was sent home, and my son had to stay at the hospital as his bilirubin levels were high. During the first week, I was allowed to see my son for 30 minutes twice a day, but during all those visits, no one mentioned to me that I could breastfeed my son if I wanted. I was only asked to pump and bring the milk so they could feed it to him, and they were already giving him formula. As a first-time mother, I didn’t know that I was allowed to ask to breastfeed my son or to decline formula. I was too scared, so I followed the directions without question.

While at home, away from my son, I started to read about how frequently I should pump and how important that was to build my supply. A week later, we got the green light to take our baby home, but still no one mentioned that I could directly breastfeed him. I did as instructed, and when it was time to visit the hospital for a bilirubin level check up, a nurse passed by me and casually asked me if I had tried to breastfeed him. I didn’t know that it was okay to do so or that it was expected. My son was two weeks old, and my supply wasn’t enough to fully feed him yet. I committed to pumping more, aiming to increase my supply but still never tried to directly breastfeed. Through all this, I had no support from my family, as my parents and siblings live in another country. I was alone in Lebanon with my husband and his family.

From afar, my family tried to help as much as they could and with the best intentions in mind and heart. But no one provided the real support I needed, as they didn’t have the knowledge themselves. Whenever I asked about breastfeeding, imagining that the older generation would be supportive of breastfeeding, I was shocked and disappointed. Either they had never breastfed or they would say, “just give him a bottle and don’t stress yourself.” I really wanted to breastfeed, and though I was discouraged, I was determined to make it work.

Stay tuned next week for the rest of Nicole’s story.

Supporting Breastfeeding Families–Today, Tomorrow, Always

Please consider donating to La Leche League USA.
Your gift helps support this blog and the website!

Donations of any amount are gratefully accepted. Thank you!

Follow us on:

Facebook

Instagram