by Laura D.

Trigger warning – this story includes sensitive themes such as mental health challenges and past self-harm.

I always felt different. For my whole life, people have told me I’m too much, too emotional, too impulsive, and too stubborn, because they never found ways to make me act like them. Getting diagnosed in my 30s with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) alongside my motherhood journey wasn’t a surprise; it was a relief.

ADHD impacted me while delivering my three babies and nursing them. In the hospital, I am overstimulated by the smells, lights, various colored uniforms, and constant movement. There is no dopamine source for me there, and without this, anxiety and fear usually creep in. To add to the sensory challenges, all three of my babies were born premature, with varying experiences and stays in hospital. My first child was born via emergency C-section. The emotional trauma, the medications for surgery and recovery, and the fact he was taken immediately to the NICU meant a slow start to breastfeeding. It was hard to be separated when we could have been nursing. I was only shown briefly how to pump breastmilk and where to store it.

I was told constantly to pump, but I felt as if nobody saw the broken mother I was at the time. It was a major detriment to my mental health, and I developed postpartum psychosis and attempted to harm myself while still in the hospital. This led to more medications and more stress, neither of which helped promote bonding with my baby and my milk production.

An amazing NICU nurse made a huge case for me to be reunited with my baby. The advocacy from that nurse turned things around for me quickly, and, within 24 hours, I was pumping almost triple the volume! More cuddles meant more milk. More practicing latching, licking, and nuzzling meant more milk.

When I had my second child, we anticipated another preemie and C-section hospital stay; so, I felt mentally prepared for pumping and being separated. However, my daughter was a natural- born breech, and she fed immediately from the breast! The staff kept us together to reduce the risk to me. Next, my third child was the earliest of all my babies, and she was born via emergency C-section and immediately taken to the NICU. We struggled with nursing, and I pumped for her.

Breastfeeding helped me immensely with my mental health. The joy I felt nursing was real, and that dopamine hit was vital. As far as pumping, traditional methods didn’t work well for me while pumping with my first baby; so, for my third, I tried something different. I went from looking at pictures and smelling blankets to turning up loud music in my headphones and dancing! I would ignore the bottles and make the time more enjoyable in my own way. Other times, when my babies were in the NICU, I would sing to my baby while pumping, again forcing my mind into a happier place before pumping, and it paid off!

I am a creature of endurance. I am resilient and adaptable. I have overcome a lot in my parenting journey and in life. All my life, I was told I have too much energy and have never slept properly due to my ADHD, yet these became my greatest assets as a mom. That energy made milk and meant I could cope with those hours of cluster feeding and the teething phases, which kept us awake at night. My sleep patterns didn’t actually look much different than before I had children. Now, I just had a tiny best friend and magic boobs to keep me company.

My coping tools also adapted. I’d sing to the baby, dance with the baby, and take them into the garden with me. Most importantly, parenting my children unleashed a little girl inside me who had been reprimanded and repressed her whole life. Breastfeeding unlocked this ability to connect with and heal my inner child. It actually blows my mind! As a standalone sentence it sounds silly, but every drop of milk helped me as much as it helped the baby.

However, having ADHD as a parent did come with some challenges. I am super sensitive, and feeling touched out was a frequent challenge. My partner was an amazing support to me and would do everything else, which would give me space to regulate and reset. There were many times I would count down the minutes for him to be there after work, in the evenings, to take the baby because they were making my brain itch! My partner also stood up for me when people said, “just give them formula and give yourself a break” and other negative comments. He would also remind many people that they had no idea how trauma impacts nursing and bonding and simply living.

I also didn’t realize how those postpartum hormonal swings could be more significant due to ADHD. For years, I had counted everything that happened as a trauma response. Therapy has helped massively, and I was able to process my births better. I wish more support existed specifically for neurodiverse parents. I wish hospital staff had recognized that I was in sensory distress and that small changes could really help people like me. I found my voice so I could better advocate for adaptations by staff. Even things like turning lights off or down, which didn’t really change anything for them, helped me a great deal.

For other neurodivergent parents reading this, I would encourage you to find your joy! Close the curtains and dance like nobody is watching, sing to the baby, use fidget tools or whatever works for you and is safe to do while you are preparing to give birth. Cry if you need to and let it out. Write it down, because multiprocessing can help, and the only rule is to get it out; everything in your mind, just let it all out. Journaling may not take it away, but it can bring you some relief. Tell someone you trust or speak to someone trained in mental health! I was always afraid people would think I was a weird mom for using fidgets, but actually I am a better mum for it. I’m regulated, I’m able to articulate my needs and support my kids through the big feelings that are a standard part of being little but also being neurodiverse. If you are reading this afraid to be the “weird” parent, then please know you have a friend in me, and you are not alone, no matter how far the distance between us.

Send your breastfeeding and parenting stories to Kylie at [email protected]

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