By Nicole S.

You can read part one of Nicole’s story in last week’s post.

When my son was two weeks old, I decided to talk to a lactation professional and get help. I really wanted to breastfeed despite all we had been through. The consultant was kind. She visited my home and tried to help with my son’s latch. She asked me if my son had a tongue-tie, and I answered that he didn’t. At that time, and to my knowledge, my son didn’t have a tongue-tie. He was able to latch for a few seconds and then would unlatch. She said I could try wearing a nipple shield, and then I could transition slowly away from using it as he grew bigger. I did what she said. I pumped on the schedule I was given and made that my job. No missed sessions, no excuses. My supply increased a bit within a month after her visit, but it still wasn’t enough to fully feed my son. I was getting really upset every time I had to prepare a bottle. I saw that my son preferred my milk and how easily he would digest it. It seemed that with every formula bottle, he would spit up and be gassy and uncomfortable.

In addition to the challenges of increasing my supply, I had other stressors: people coming to visit, my family being far away, handling the household tasks along with a baby. I felt overwhelmed. It was a relief when my mother was able to come and support me at last. She tried to show me how to breastfeed and help me get my son to latch, but we had little luck. I was starting to feel disappointed. I felt I wasn’t able to talk to anyone, because they would try to comfort me in ways that would upset me even more, like suggesting I stop breastfeeding. I decided I just wanted to focus on pumping, at least to eliminate the formula for now, and maybe revisit nursing at the breast later.

I was always hearing that “it is okay if he doesn’t breastfeed, he might never latch, you can formula feed, it’s not the end of the world.” These comments undermined the strong feelings I had and the need to breastfeed my son. I even asked a pediatrician, who told me my son would never go back to the breast. That was heartbreaking for me.

I remember one night pumping next to my husband, while he was trying to feed our son a bottle of formula, and my son refused and started to cry. I took my breastmilk and gave it to my husband to feed him, and he happily drank it. My baby always preferred mama’s milk, and that was the strongest motivation to keep me going.

I kept on trying all the advice I would get on getting my baby to latch, but I would do it all when we were alone to avoid the unnecessary commentaries. Doing this alone was not easy but much better than the negativity I would hear from others.

When my son was almost a month-and-a-half old, during a gathering, my sister-in-law suggested I speak to another lactation consultant. I was not so hopeful, but still I spoke to her and asked for help. A week passed, and my supply started to increase when I changed the technique and frequency of pumping. I was starting to pump about 80% of what my son needed! When I explained all my observations about my son’s feeding to the new lactation consultant, she suggested he might have a tongue-tie after all. At that time, he had begun taking the breast on and off. He wouldn’t fully feed but would latch and feed for a couple of minutes with the nipple shield on.

We made an appointment to get his tongue checked, and apparently, she was right: he did have a severe tongue-tie, and we got it released. We had some challenges after the tongue-tie revision, but with a lot of support, my son started to latch and feed directly! I realized that since I had been exclusively pumping, I had no confidence in my body’s ability to feed my son at the breast. I continued to pump and breastfeed for a couple of months, then I realized I didn’t have to pump anymore. I’m enough, I am making enough milk without pumping. I didn’t need to be attached to a machine and clean bottles around the clock. I have my son with me almost everywhere I go; I have the confidence to breastfeed him anywhere we are. In the past, I would always carry a bottle of pumped milk with me, in case my milk dried up suddenly or my son refused me again.

I had to reach deep within myself to find the confidence to nurse him exclusively. I used to hear comments that my son is always hungry, or it’s not possible for him to be on the breast for that long, or he isn’t getting full because he can only sleep when he is carried, or that my milk is water.

I know now that all this is not true, but at that time it used to get to me, and I felt challenged every day. I felt that I needed to prove myself to everyone and keep defending my choice of breastfeeding my child and the benefits of nursing at the breast.

I learned recently that my son had body tension due to the birth, and that was a possible reason for the sleep issues – not my milk. In addition to that, I didn’t realize that premature babies could have feeding difficulties.

As a mother, I always felt attacked for my choices. This made me feel like I needed to defend my opinion and educate everyone around me in order to get the support I needed.

The journey was hard and extremely challenging, but I would go through it all again to reach this amazing feeling of being enough for my son.

Now my son is almost one-year old. We still breastfeed, and I really find happiness and joy when doing so. The communication and love we share during every feeding is irreplaceable. I encourage every nursing parent to believe in themselves, to be strong and follow their instincts, even if they have to do it alone. A mother always knows what’s best for her baby to feel happy and thrive.

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